Everybody is always so fucking "fine", but we are not. Sometimes we are hurt and bruised and completely shattered and this, Sir, is not what we call fine.

So far away (Avenged Sevenfold)

Never feared for anything
Never shamed but never free
A light that healed the broken heart
With all that it could

Lived a life so endlessly
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart
With all that I could
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Plans of what our futures hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible
The truth is so cold

A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid to rest
Now and then I try to find
A place in my mind
Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Sleep tight I'm not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away

I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you when He let's me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied

So far away
And I need you to know
So far away
And I need you to, need you to know

You might fall down on your face,

Roll the dice and have some faith ...

Tonight ...

... I'm sad.

And I don't even think there's one particular reason for it.

If you asked me why I am sad, I don't know that I could tell you.

A combination of stuff, you know.

The feeling that I'm never going to be good enough.

No one will want me for me ... For who I really am.

One of the units I want to do at uni I can't do ... I can maybe work around that, but working around it throws up yet another challenge, and I'm not sure it's worth the hassle for one unit.

Am I ever going to get finished with uni? I should be finished by this time next year, but ... Really? Can I do it? Will I finish?

It's been 13 months and 10 days, and grief still hits me hard some days. Today, all I could think about was the last family occasion we had with you, the last real party ... And how, you won't be there for the next party. You won't be there.

I'm tired of people making excuses. There's always going to be a reason you can't, there's always going to be an excuse you can use. Why make excuses though? For gods sake, be a grown up. Take responsibility. Stop making excuses.

Well, aren't I just Mary Frigging Sunshine today ... 75% sad, 25% grumpy. I should probably go before I say something I really regret ...

Beach, baby!

I'd rather be at the beach ...

"You know how her mind works - it's like a mouse on a wheel except the wheel spins sideways and the mouse is blind and has a really bad sprained ankle."

Today, I'm having a lazy day.

Partly because I got woken up by a loud noise at 7 after about two hours sleep, and after going out the back to investigate, I discovered that my dogs were not in the yard because the stupid latch on the stupid gate is a bit dodgy. Going to have to replace it, I think, it seems that its rusted a bit and when the wind is kicking up, it wiggles loose.

Great start to the morning!

After putting on some pants and grabbing my keys, I headed out to find my dogs. Luckily, they hadn't wandered far and it only took two minutes.

So, I had a nap halfway through the morning and I'm kind of feeling more human, but not human enough to feel like doing anything. Not helped by the fact that I've got really bad cramps ...

So ... Monk Marathon :-) And I'm in the middle of a good book ...

I was going to organise my spare room/study today, and clean my kitchen, which desperately needs a clean ... Eh. Guess it can all wait.

Hmm ... Back to bed for more Monk, methinks ...

Got my new glasses today.

Whoa.

Totally blowing my mind, man.

Virginia Wolf said ...

“Virginia Wolf said something interesting happens every day. Go write about it.”

Virginia Wolf obviously never lived my life then. Not much of interest happened tod... Wait ... Oh, no ... I was right. Not much of interest, and certainly nothing interesting happened today.

Work was flat out this morning, so flat out in fact that we had both M and K, who usually share the office with me, out in the loader and the truck. I’m used to running the office on Saturdays when it’s a bit quieter, but running the office, and all the trucks, on a Friday morning was a new experience! I think I did ok though, everyone got their loads, no trucks were lost or damaged and all our drivers made it home at the end of the day ... *lol*

One of my sisters rang on Wednesday night, with some big news. My mum turns 50 this year (in March), and sent both the girls an invitation, not expecting them to be able to make the trip (it’s not cheap, and they both have families) ... But ... They are coming! Well, one is J The other is not sure that she can get time off work, but if she can, she’ll catch a flight the same day and the girls will meet in Melbourne, before coming to my place to stay for the night, then travelling onto mum and dads to surprise them. Yes, it’s going to be a surprise, we’re not telling them the sister(s?) are coming! I’m so excited, you can’t wipe the smile off my face! I can’t wait to see them! How am I going to make it to March??!!

Ok, well ... I’ve tried several times to finish this entry ... It’s been sitting up on the screen for the last hour,  needing to be finished and posted ... I do have more to say, but I keep getting distracted by a new book ... And the tennis is on ... And I’m listening to music ... And ... And ... And ...

So here is where I sign off. Maybe tomorrow, when I’ve finished my book (and I will have finished it, because I’m not going to bed tonight until it’s finished) and when there’s not an awesome game of tennis on, maybe I’ll be a little less distracted ...

Peace out, homies.

"I'll bet you've had about enough of people telling how strong you are and how great you're doing during this awful, difficult period in your life. Maybe you'd rather hear someone say how much this sucks, how outrageous and unfair it is. Maybe you'd rather hear someone tell you that you don't have to be strong all the time. Or that it's definitely okay to curse fate and throw a tantrum or two. So here I am to tell you all that stuff and more, to let you know where I stand, which is right in your corner. There's no right way or wrong way at a time like this. However you work through this thing is immaterial to me. All I care about is that you ask for what you need, lean on those who love you, and try to trust me when I say that you'll come out the other side."

Jeannie Hund

Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

"Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness."

Beautifully written article on the top 5 regrets of the dying. Well worth a read. It's actually a book, which I'm currently reading.

Check it out here.

Post title?

Must. Write. More.

There's been a bit happening lately.

I have been writing ... Just not here. Mostly on scraps of paper, in my work diary, in notepads I find laying around at work ...

Work is ... Good. Kind of. *lol*

I actually feel a bit like I'm heading towards the point where I snap, and I don't know what will happen when I do. One of the managers at work is just ... Difficult. That's the only way I can think to describe him. He's a little, little man, and I usually just let him be, don't let him get to me, but lately ... Lately, he's critical and irrational, and just a general pain in the arse.

I think he's resentful of the fact that this job isn't a forever job for me. I am only there as long as it takes to finish uni, and it's like he feels pissed off by that fact. Last week, I was reading a text book in my lunch break, and he had an issue with that. I'm getting tired of the little niggly comments, the criticisms that aren't valid, the complaints about things that aren't my fault or don't have anything to do with me. So towards snapping point we head ... Everybody, take cover ...

Should have some more photos to put up at the end of the week. On Thursday I'm heading to Torquay with a friend to have a splash around, a walk on the beach, and hopefully get some good shots. I can't wait! I love the beach.

Speaking of can't wait ... I booked my holidays the other day with work. 4 weeks from mid-August to mid-September. Dad and I are heading up to Queensland to see the sisters. We're driving, of course, since the old man doesn't fly, so it'll be a looooooong trip (about 4000km), but totally worth it. I've already said the only thing I want to do/see is the Great Barrier Reef. One of the sisters is up near Cairns, and tours for the GBR leave from Cairns. I think I want to do the whole snorkeling thing, but I'm not sure yet. I don't think dad will want to go, so he can just drop me off and hang on his own for the day ... Yep, it's all planned. Now I just have to get to August ... !!!

Summer has finally arrived. It's 8:30 at night and it's still 33 degrees ... Love it.

Get my new glasses at the end of this week. Think that'll get rid of a lot of my headaches. I have to start wearing them all the time, to try and make my left eye work a little harder ... Or something (the optometrist was a little hard to understand). I'm so thankful I have private health insurance ... The first $180 was covered, and I got 2 pairs (one reading, one everyday) for $300, so effectively I paid $120 for two pairs. Score.

I've registered for Relay for Life this year, with my cousins, in memory of Elaine. The girls did it last year, but I was in Queensland, and I promised them I'd do it this year. It's next month, so I'm heading to Melbourne for the weekend. I can't wait. I know it will be emotional, but I also think it will be a lot of fun. I feel like my grief has moved again, for a while there (around the one year mark) I was very emotional and couldn't think about Elaine without crying. I went very quiet for a while there, staying to myself, not talking about it with anyone. I didn't want to look at photos, I didn't want to think of her. It was too hard. Now, I can't think of her without smiling. A lot of old memories are coming back. I can still hear her voice in my mind. On Christmas Day, all I could hear was "Merry Christmas, did the fat man visit you? Ho ho ho" I'm terrified of the day that I can't remember her voice. I know that day will come. But in the meantime, it's easier now to look at photos, to remember.

Bummer. Bernard Tomic just lost. I thought the game would be a little closer, but he gave it his best.

Anyway, I'm exhausted so I should probably head to bed ... Peace out, dude!

Fascinating reading ...

An interesting article on pregnant women on public transport.

The comments are well worth a read ... They are equal parts astounding and fascinating ... And some are quite sad and pathetic.

Whatever happened to common courtesy? Manners?

What is wrong with people these days?!!! 

Goodbye, Kristian.

A beautiful goodbye to an incredible, wonderful and brave man. It was truly a celebration of a beautiful and amazing life.

May you rest in peace, Kristian.

A story on Kristian's farewell can be found here:
http://video.dailytelegraph.com.au/2184063325/Kristian-Andersons-funeral

A video of the tribute from Kristian's wife Rachel can be found here:
http://www.triplem.com.au/sydney/shows/grill-team/blog/video-kristian-andersons-wifes-beautiful-tribute-to-his-extraordinary-life/20120106-fauo.html#ooid=YzOG84MzqhWr32ZbuzofBjeSl3BFaAQ0

Rachel did an amazing job speaking at her husbands funeral. Her heart is irrepairably broken and her life will never be the same, yet she had the strength to say goodbye to him in one of the most beautiful speeches I have ever heard. I cannot even fathom the devastation and grief she must be feeling.

Thoughts are now with the entire Anderson family as they try to adjust to their new normal.

11 best photos from 2011 ...

A gorgeous day at the lake, walking the dog.

Introducing the newest member of our house ... Jesse. Now almost 6 months old.

A beautiful double rainbow after one heck of a storm ...

Supporting Daffodil Day as we continue to mourn the loss of an amazing mother, wife, sister, aunty and friend. Still missing you Elaine. 20/12/2010

One smiley, cute-as nephew who brightens even the darkest day. Just look at that smile! Charley joined our family in March 2011.

Ocean Grove, 28/12/2011.

Try! Fireworks after a Storm try @ Melbourne Storm home game ... Which we won :-)

Love this photo of the Lake ...

Terribly and horribly sunburnt after a day at Ocean Grove in February 2011. Have learnt my lesson and now wear sunscreen even if I'm only out in the sun for a few minutes.

Another adorable newphew who joined our family in 2011 ... Kaleb.

My Christmas tree ... Which took me hours to put up! Getting the lights right was almost impossible ;-)

In 2012, live like a dog!

Some great advice from an email I received recently ...

In 2012, Live Like a Dog!

Live simply.
Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

Rest In Peace, Kristian

A beautiful man.

A long fight.

An amzing family.

Kristian Anderson passed away yesterday morning. Thoughts and love are with his family, who are now facing their new reality. Despite how well you think you've planned for it, how ready you think you might be ... Losing a loved one after a long battle - regardless of how long you've had to "prepare for it" - doesn't make it any easier. The grief is no less raw or severe. It still hurts like hell. Kristian touched so many lives, made a massive difference in his short time on this Earth.

Rest in peace, Kristian. You've earnt your rest.  

So ...

So, I've been in a self-induced hibernation for the last couple of days as I stuggle to keep up with my uni work. I had three weeks off work last month after (what was meant to be) a small operation that laid me up for longer than expected. So now I've got exams coming up in less than three weeks and I'm desperately trying to play catch up. So tonight's entry will be short :-)

I don't know how many of you will remember Kristian. He made the most beautiful, heartbreaking video for his wife, which went viral and both Kristian and his wife ended up on Oprah when she came to Australia. Kristian has cancer and is dying. His story is heartbreaking. He will leave behind his wife and two sons. If you have time, please leave a note of support for him.

I cannot believe that we're in 2011 and cancer is still killing people. Cancer sucks.

I'm baaack ... Posting to resume shortly, coz boy have I got some shit to tell you! And so many photos to share ... Ooh, how exciting!

You only get one birthday a year.

 

One day a year that's yours.

 

Mine was ruined this year. I tried not to let it get to me ... But it did. And now I'm upset. For letting you get to me, and for ruining my birthday.

 

One birthday. One day, every year.

 

I have 51 weeks until I get another birthday. Thanks for nothing. Really.

Happy Birthday to me.

It's my birthday today.

And I didn't even get so much as a card from my housemate.

I'm sad.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I feel angry, bitter.

I feel like I've been forced out of my home, and that's just so, so upsetting.

I know this is not my house, I know that I was never going to live here forever ... But it's just so hard.

I can't even look at my housemate. I can barely bring myself to speak to her.

I don't hate her or anything. I'm just so upset.

I just want to be out of here already.

I'm tired of being somewhere I'm not wanted, somewhere I don't even feel welcome anymore.

I'm tired of crying every night. I'm tired of feeling akward and out of place.

"Forgiving someone does not mean forgetting what they did. It simply means letting go of the hurt."

I got ...

A house!!

Yes, all the stress of the last few weeks has just floated away!

Yesterday morning I received a phone call to say that an application I put in had been approved.

I'll take some photos when I move in. It's a beautiful house. 3 bedrooms. Awesome kitchen and living area. Huge back yard.

And the best part? Literally a one minute drive from work. Yahoo!

I'm so relieved. So, so happy to be getting out of this negative environment. It will be the best thing for me.

16 days until moving day!

Did you know ...

That Edwin H. Sutherland had a theory that criminal behaviour is learned? And that it is learned in interaction with others who have already incorporated criminal behaviour?

No, I didn't know that either.

And by tomorrow, I probably will have forgotton ol' Eddie's theory that criminal behaviour is learned.

I hate exam revision.

I hate Sociology of Crime. It is the most boring subject known to man.

Better get back to it ... This crap aint gonna just jump into my brain. UGH!

One post about this issue ...

Then I'll put it in a bubble, blow it away and shut the hell up about it ...

I can't get over thinking that my feelings, my needs, are less important than the dogs.

A dog - well, two dogs, actually - are more important than me. Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel? Any idea how insignificant and unimportant it makes me feel?

When the dogs came in, on Wednesday night, for the third time in five days, I cried.

I cried because I already felt like utter shit, and bringing them in, as you well know, always makes me feel worse.

I know you think that the allergy is "all in my head", but guess what? I have a reaction to dogs when tested. It is real. I can't help it. I don't like having an allergy to dogs. And I don't want one. But I do. I deal with it.

And I know you think that it's not a big deal. I know you think you can have the dogs in, and not vacuum and I won't be able to tell the difference. But guess what?

I can tell. I can always tell. When I get home, and 10 minutes later my eyes are itchy, or my head is killing me, or my nose is all stuffed up, I can tell. But I don't say anything. What's the point? You think it's all in my head, so what is the point in saying a damn thing?

I'm tired of feeling like the dogs matter more than me. I am a person, damn it. I'm a human being, and I deserve some consideration and respect. I am important, and I matter. My feelings, my pain - they matter.

And yet, to you, I'm not as important as the dogs. I don't matter as much as they do. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

You get migranes. How would you feel if I deliberately did something that made you worse when you had one? If I knew exactly what it would do, and I still went ahead and did it anyway?

You would feel like shit. Like your feelings don't matter.

Like I feel right now.

Nightminds - Missy Higgins

Just lay it all down.

Put your face into my neck and let it fall out.
I know
I know
I know.
I knew before you got home.
This world you're in now,
It doesn't have to be alone,
I'll get there somehow, 'cos
I know I know I know
When, even springtime feels cold.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
So we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise,
Out of our nightminds, and into the light
At the end of the fight...

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified.
The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die.
And I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standing.
So I know
I know
I know,
It's easier to let go.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
So we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight.

...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light... at the end of the fight...

Invisible.

Sometimes I feel so fucking invisible.

Like I could just disappear, and no one would notice. No one would even batt an eye.

 

I want to be somewhere, anywhere but here, because I am so, so desperately unhappy.

 

I feel like shouting, screaming, hitting my arms against a wall ... Anything to make noise, make me feel like I am alive, because at the moment, I feel so disconnected, so numb.

 

I feel like I don't matter in the slightest, I'm not even worth considering or thinking about. Like my sadness doesn't mean a fucking thing, like my pain is insignificant ... Like I am insignificant.

 

I am crying out for help, I want someone to hear me ... But no one is listening.

 

I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

TMI ... But IDC

Ok, so this entry can probably be filed under "Too much information", but, quite frankly, I don't care.
Last year, I went to the doctor because I was tired all the time. Like, exhausted. Constantly. A blood test showed that my iron levels are waaay down. I went back a couple of months ago, and my iron levels had only gone up 1 point, even though I'd been taking iron tablets (when I remembered) and eating steak all the time. Seriously, I was having steak like 6 - 8 times a week (and also? Steak is expensive, yo. It was costing me a friggin fortune).
So, I figured it might be time to go back on birth control, and skip a few periods.
*TMI #1* I have really heavy, usually pretty painful periods, so I figured no wonder I'm never getting ahead if I'm loosing a lot of blood every month. So, I went to my doctor and got a prescription for the Nuva Ring. Can I just say how much I love the Nuva Ring? You put it in, swap it three weeks later, and that's it. So simple. And great for someone like me who can't remember to take the pill everyday (and the pill makes me nauseous). I'm also not interested in any type of injection and/or arm implant because the thought freaks me out. Now I'm thinking about something being implanted in my arm ... Ew. Gross. I can't handle that thought, I don't know why. Freaky.
So. Moving on.
My plan was to go back on/start using the Nuva Ring again, skip my period for a few months (i.e., have no break between rings and go straight from one to the next). I changed my ring about 2 weeks ago, following the plan - going straight from one to the other. Everything was fine until a few (maybe 4 or 5?) days ago, when I got some spotting.

*TMI #2*

-- Don't read any further if blood freaks you out, it gets pretty gross.

So, yes. I got some spotting. Ok, pretty normal, I thought. Then, a couple of days later, it turned into a full period. Heavy, cramping, the lot. It was inconvienient, and I couldn't figure out why I was getting my period, but oh well.

Then, this morning ... About 3 a.m., I woke up with the worst cramps I've ever had. I was on my bed, on all fours, rocking back and forth, crying in pain for about 4 hours.

They were like contractions - or what I'd imagine contractions to be, since I've never had a baby. Intense, shocking pain for a few minutes at a time, followed by maybe five minutes where things settled down, then back to baaad, baaad, baaad pain again.

Finally, at about 7 a.m., I realised why the reason for the pain.

*TMI #3* This is going to be really gross. And it's definitely too much information, but I don't care. Someone might be able to help me, so I'm writing the truth.

At 7, I went to the toilet ... And passed a blood clot the size and thickness of my iPod touch. It was massive, and so disgusting.

The pain subsided a bit after that, but every few minutes or so, I was passing a clot. The first one was the biggest, but the rest were still fairly sizeable.

Quite frankly, it scared the crap out of me.

I ended up taking some aspalgin (asprin and coedeine), which took the pain from an 9 to a 8, so it didn't do heaps, but anything was appreciated.

I got home from work a few minutes early and went straight to bed. I ended up sleeping til 7, which of course means that I'll be awake until about 2 am since I've had a nap.

So, my thinking is that tomorrow, I should probably ring and make a doctors appointment.

I have had this (really, extremely bad cramping and bleeding) happen once before, also just after I started the Nuva Ring for the first time. I don't know whether it is the NR, and my body is adjusting to it, or whether it's something totally unrelated. Has anyone had any experience with the NR? Usually it works great for me, but if it's the cause of this pain, I'll stop using it immediately. I can't live in pain like this. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and it makes me want to scream and cry because it just hurts so bad. Maybe I need to look into other options?

Anyway, sorry for the TMI post. I just needed to get everything out! The pain is still here tonight, but it's down to about a 7, which seems wonderful compared to today. I might go find some painkillers and see if I can get some sleep.

I'm out :-)

Awesome. Dogs are inside, and I already have a headache. Really, really awesome.

Some facebook pages are just awesome ...

"Today, I decided that I want to be a ninja when I grow up. I googled 'ninja school' to see where I can be professionally trained in the art. I followed a link that said Ninja School, and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School."

I'd rather laugh - Linda Richman

Notes from the book "I'd rather laugh" by Linda Richman. I read it a couple of years ago, and going through some old papers today, I found some notes that I took from it. I thought I'd share them here:

"No matter how sad you are today, happiness and laughter are always possibilities for tomorrow."

"Everything important is in your control."

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"You will always be able to find something to smile about."

"Make time for fun."

"That's what fun is - relief from the pain or boredom of everyday life - if you can have just a little fun today, it's a sign that the future will hold even more fun for you. Fun isn't just fun - it's hope."

"Laugh, sing, dance, do anything to get outside yourself. The pain and suffering are inside, and there you are too, trapped with them. The minute you get outside yourself, you begin to escape the sadness. If you can shoo away the negative and hang onto the positive for five minutes today, maybe you'll do it for half an hour next month."

"You've got to get control over how you respond to life."

My head is pounding tonight. Seriously, just pounding so, so bad. And I just want it to stop. Please. Just for a little while. Just stop.

Roxy the wonder puppy is outside with the boys. I think she'll be fine, she seems to be recovering well from the operation on her tongue. Also, I can't have her inside anymore, she's pretty much the reason why me head is pounding.

That, and my housemate also had the other two dogs inside this afternoon, and didn't vacuume when she put them out.

I get frustrated sometimes. I know she thinks a lot of my allergies are in my head, she feels like she can have the dogs in and I won't be able to tell, but I can tell. I can always tell when the dogs have been in.

I just don't say anything. It doesn't seem worth it.

The last couple of days, I have been much better. I was bad, bad, bad at the start of the week with my allergies. I went through three full boxes of tissues in as many days, I had a rash all over my arms, my eyes were constantly red and watery, and my head was both stuffed up and pounding so very badly.

But then I rang my specialist, and I'm back on steroids and using my inhaler again, but the thing is, I still have an allergy. I'm about 80% better than at this time 5 days ago, but I still have an allergy to dogs. I'm still going to get a headache, my rash will still appear, I will still spend a lot of time sneezing and blowing my nose.

And when my housemate lets the dogs in, then doesn't do anything to reduce the after-effects (e.g. by vacuuming or wiping over surfaces) ... It makes me feel like the dogs are more important to me. Like it's ok that I feel crap when the dogs are in ... That's fine, as long as the dogs are happy. It's all in my head, so why should it matter if the dogs come in, right?

Wrong. I am a human being. Dogs are important to me, I love Roxy more than anyone knows, but humans should come first. I should come first. My health should matter. The effects are not all in my head. You can see me sneezing so hard and so often that I sometimes can't catch my breath. You can see the rash I get, thanks to the dogs. Shouldn't those things mean something? Anything?

Ok, I have to go to bed. Because if I stay up any longer with this headache, I will start crying. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

I'm out.

Money = Stress!

Yes, once again I'm stressed about money. Money, money, money.

It's probably impolite to talk about it on such a public place, but I don't care. This blog is where I write out my worries, and currently money is my biggest worry.

Roxy the wonder puppy had the lump cut off/out of her tongue last night ... $300 later, I got to pick her up this morning.

Thankfully, she seems to be doing ok tonight. She's been very quiet (as in movement wise - noise wise she's been whining all day!) and clingy all day, so hopefully tomorrow she is feeling much better.

Meanwhile, I spent $100 at the chemist on my allergy medication, which I need because the dog is inside, and I'm allergic to the dog, so I feel like shit. So, thanks to the dog, half my pay is now gone. Gone. And I've still got rent, food, dog food, my car loan, an insurance payment, a gym payment and petrol to pay for. UGH.

It'll be ok. I know it'll be ok. I'll make it work somehow. I'm just so stressed.

Ok, better go check on Roxy the wonder puppy. She's in the sunroom at the moment while I dust and vacuume to try and get this allergy headache down a bit.

I'm out :-)

Don't change ... Don't ever change.

Feelin' crappy, but I go back to work tomorrow.

I love that this blog has new life: That I again have somewhere to come, and write what I think. What I really feel.

I haven't heard about the rental property around the corner. Still waiting ...

Do you know what pisses me off?

Well, not pisses me off, but annoys me?

For months, actually longer than months, I've been telling my housemate that whenever she goes to Melbourne, she could drive instead of taking the train.

On Friday, she finally did it. Why? Because this new guy that she's seeing said that she could do it, said she should try.

I don't like it when girls change for guys.

It makes me feel like I'm nothing, like my opinion doesn't matter, that she ignores me the whole time I'm telliing her she could do it, then just because some guy, who barely even knows her, said she could, she does it?? What the hell?

Ok, well ... That's all for today.

So friggin' tired.

I've had weeks to do this assignment, and I left it to the very last minute. It's due today, in about 15 hours time.

I'm so tired I can hardly think, but I need to get it finished. If I don't get it finished before I go to bed, I won't get it done.

Lesson learned the hard way. I won't do this again.

So, so tired.

500 words to go.

Finally ...

... I've uploaded some photos from both Queensland trips - my 10 day visit in February, and my recent 5 day trip to meet baby Charley and see my sister and the kids.

These are only a few of the photos I took ... I think I took maybe 300 - 400 photos all up?

There might be some more photos coming :-)

Queensland - February 2011 Photos (2)

Queensland - February 2011 Photos (1)

Queensland - April 2011 Photos (2)

Queensland - April 2011 Photos (1)

So, so tired. But I can't sleep.

I've been having nightmares. Nightmares where I walk outside and see my beautiful Roxy-dog ... Hurt. Hurt badly.

I hate that the bastard from next door has not only gotten to me, but has scared me so badly that I am dreaming about it.

Twice last night I woke up crying. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.